Letters

Letter to my mom.

I am sorry mom. You invited me home but I refused to come without any proper reason.
It’s been long since I have been home. It will be much longer till I come again.  I’ve been busy. I have not been doing anything of importance yet I am busy.

I am trying to figure out something to do with potential before time runs out. For that, I need some alone time. I always had the preconceived idea that I have enough time to figure out things. But now, life has kicked in. I will have to take action.

I am awaited mom!

I can be doing so many great things but now I am just stuck with an excel sheet I update to earn 3800$ a month. I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate it. But at the same time, our family is dependent on the money rather than my Quantity and Quality of work.

When you called, I was in office. I had worked for 10 hours and I worked for 2 more hours. I will never let you know how much it sucks to be an IT rat.

Now, That is what I want to change mom. I want to do something bigger that doesn’t involve bootlicking, updating a boorish sheet, or sitting in one place for 10 hours a day.

I can never explain all this to you. I don’t want to spoil the perfect image you have of me. An Engineer happily working and living in a metro city. Because I know how badly you’ll be disturbed by knowing the reality.

Nothing is ever easy. All big things require bigger sacrifices. For now, I will accept this truth. But Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it will never be enough. You kick it, beat it, it will never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment you leave dying.

I am sorry mom. I’ll see you in a month or two.

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Letters

Letters to her – 1

Dear Damsel,

I know how easy it is for you to just ignore me as soon as you find another guy. Like switching tabs. I watch it every day the highs and lows in your excitement and the way you need me one moment and completely neglect the next. To be honest, you are making very difficult to be me. It is suffocating. One day, I am the cock of the walk, the next, a feather duster.

It is not as easy as it looks. I go through a myriad of emotions in between your switching and it impacts very negatively on my self-esteem. You just assume that I am always up for grabs. I like how you bring the poet inside me. But I honestly think he is destined to write about happy things. Not the sad ones.

It has always been on and off. Just when I think I almost had you, you slip right through my hands. Like the seashell, I tried to catch from a wave splashing on my face.

It is very hard to be on a waiting end. Holding on and crap. But that is what I have been doing for almost a year now. I wish I improve or you change. I try to be positive against all the odds against me. Just don’t give me a reason not to.

Always yours,

The Hurt.

Diary

The one about the weekend.

I can barely type a word. Physically, I have tired myself playing badminton with the starting surge of enthusiasm. Mentally, something inside of me warns me that everything has been already said and done. Well, my stories are different. I promise.

I am from India. Sex is a taboo here. A big surprise to myself because we introduced kamasutra to the world yet we hardly talk about sex. Now, picture my surprise when I saw a couple making out in a local park here in Bengaluru. I am not saying it was weird or strange but to a guy who is spending his weekend in a park with his book, the smooching and boob squeezing was a major distraction.

That should explain why i could only read 25 pages in two hours.

I left the park. We all were made to leave as per the timings of the park. Now, I am walking on a quiet road and I observe a gathering. A group of old men sitting and listening to another man as he read poetry. Wait, is the Dead Poets Society alive in India ? I thought. I somehow got in and yes, it was a group of poets, discussing on a major literature work.

It’s crazy. The invite of this private gathering was sent to only 25 people and I, an amateur, somehow got inside without any idea. Later, after listening to the words that came out of these intellectuals, I realized what a small stupid guy I was. I jotted down everything I could. I left the place with a mind full of questions. The perspectives of these great men had really left an impact on me.

After looking at the cleavage of a Irish girl, I knew I was back to a adult guy perspective. Just this constant urge to seek for the hidden things. Well, I met many Irish women at an event. It was great. Irish education, being the cheapest of all, only made me realize, I still cannot afford 20000 Euros and a poor snob.

I ate strawberries for the first time. Could’ve eaten Pringles, Green apples, and so many other things for the first time but, the look of my wallet at the bill counter was cringe worthy.

All the junk food i consumed over last two days have certainly fucked up my digestive system and now I must find a way to deal with my farts.

Goodbye till then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Diary

2/17/2017

Hear from me as I begin to mumble. I don’t roar. I am Lazy.
I can be funny. I love to tell stories. I add a little extra to everything. But I am sure you’re gonna love it. Or not. I don’t even know how many actually read my blog.

Anyway, here’s my confusion.

I have never been in a relationship. There, I said it. But I have sat in corners and cried at how lonely and pathetic I am. That big cavity inside of me just widens and makes weird sounds. Those sounds are nothing but me talking to myself. I really don’t like not having anyone to share my thoughts and feelings with. in other words, I have been desperately single.

I get paranoid. What could be so wrong with me that nobody ever felt like, okay, this guy is perfect for me? I have always been the one for emotional support or last option when everyone gives up.

This is ideally fucked up because when you look around, you only see happy couples, going places with their cute little pictures, texting, hugging and kissing. And their plans for every day and every weekend.

I have never have had that. I WANT TO HAVE THAT.

Then I met this girl.

She started to fill the void. She showed me that I am lovable with all the cons. She likes me. And if my friends are right, She even loves me. now the problem is, I FEAR BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. Pretty crazy huh?

I never really know what I want.

Somedays, I want to be alone, watching football or cricket, reading or writing and just be myself. As soon as these days are over, I start to feel a lot lonely. I feel empty and crave for having someone. When I finally have, I start to miss the old me.

Am I insane? Do I need therapy?

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

2/16/2017

I really miss being a blogger. At one time, I could really call myself that. Now I cannot. Now I am just a fading light, not shining brightly. But today, I stopped everything at once and asked myself, who I actually wanted to be. Because we get to always chose that.

I want to be an introvert in real life and an extrovert in blogs. I want to stay silent and let my words speak for me.

I want to tell things the way they are meant to be said. Straight, Pure and with no filters. We all hide our true emotions in real life always being in fear of whether we’ll be judged.

This is Day 1 of many things. Day 1 of Quitting Whatsapp and Instagram and Facebook.

Not Twitter. Not WordPress. This is true me. I love the true me. I am a mess. A collection of millions of random thoughts. A sum of heterogeneous experiences.

Today, I learned that words which come out so casually can hurt someone a lot. So, we should always be careful with what we speak.

They can also make someone’s day.

Coming to my thoughts, I want to come out of this constant roaming around the sexville. Like fantasies and craving.

Imagination is such a powerful thing and all that I am doing with it is imagining me having a great sex.

I want to be better. If not Perfect, just an incremental better being from yesterday. And even though I am clueless with where I will end up with this gradually, I still want to give it a serious try.

I once was a boy who dreamed big. Family, money and low self-esteems have always stomped on me. This is the time I want to be that boy again.

Diary

How I Suck at Living

I don’t know how anything works. I stare at my computer screen and look around, absolutely everything about this workplace takes all the energy out of me. I have forgotten to smile from the core of the heart. All I do now is smile on the surFACE. If I were to reflect all the emotions inside, you’d be watching me drown in my own tears.

I think that I am stuck in a city that is so lavish and grand but at the same time offers so little peace of mind. And my job, well, I really really hate it but I have nowhere else to go so I will have to sit here and feel worthless. And friends, I wish I had a friend to call him/her a friend. I am just here waiting for a day when everything will make sense.

So I am writing here so that you could tell me if you knew something about life, the universe and of course about people. That is exactly Why I Blog. I want to escape. I don’t know how to deal with my insecurities or my numbing worries. We read all those rugs to riches stories hoping there’ll be stories about us.  It is not about the stories. It is about the suffering.

 

 

Life

1st October

I should stop lying to myself that I am loving my job because, to be honest, I CERTAINLY AM NOT. This cannot continue. Coming from CS background with good grade points, I am forced to sit in front of computer doing PPT’s and preparing Excel sheets that don’t have anything to with what I studied. I am bored and fear what’s next. I am bound to a 2 year bond and that I can leave the company only after paying the bond breakage amount -1.5 lakhs. My parents cannot afford that much money and they don’t understand what I am doing now either. It seems like everything is going out of hand.

My career has started at a low point and I don’t see any progress. I want to quit the company so badly and go out somewhere where I hone my skills and do something I love. The question is how long I can hold my frustration. One day I am going to break down. It is just the question of when. I love java, networks, dbms, python and w work on them. My current situation is soooo bad that I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I have dreams. Dreams of doing MS in a reputed university. But again, money is the major constraint. I feel lost now and this blog is the only place where I am being true.